So many upcoming obstacles, I don’t even know where to begin. As much as I wanted to shout it from the rooftops about living a sober life, I haven’t really been doing so. Every time someone brings up going out for a drink, or stopping at a bar, or going for a wine tasting, or going out for a birthday….I just keep hush, say nothing, and hope the subject quickly changes. I thought I was ready to just blurt it out, but I’m clearly not. I’m probably most fearful of not being taken seriously. That seems to always be the issue, people will just be like “ohhhh not drinking this month- cute”. Um yah- or ever again. But what do I say? Ughhh….a pregnancy would come in handy right about now. Yah- terrible thing to say, but honestly, I’m desperate.
I read a comment on someone’s blog (not sure where- mind blank) that said something to the point of “whats the big deal, just tell people you dont drink”. I WISH it were so easy! The people around me, not bad people, just party people, would not understand such an idea. And they would most likely be pushy and just say “have one!”….ugh I hate that. So that is why I have taken such a liking to this community! I need the support of people who understand for right now. The support of those close to me will come in time. But for right now, they sort of remain in the dark.
One main obstacle coming up……my bachelorette party. I have been avoiding the topic, and trying to get out of it, it is not looking good though. My friends are very persistent. What in the world does a sober girl do for such an event? And how do I convince my friends planning it to not shove shots and wine bottles in my face? Why is the truth so painful? I just don’t have the courage to tell them all it yet! If anyone has answers….I’m all ears. I’m all for having a male stripper make a fool of himself for me, and it might be even more fun if I actually remember it!
I don’t think it hurts to have a little reminder time and again of why I began to work towards a sober life (well it kind of hurts, it hurts to think about them). So here are a few reminders for myself of some pretty horrible moments in my drunken embarrassment of a life:
- woke up in college in someone else’s room, had no idea how I got there or what I had done, happened on more than one occasion
- woke up in the back seat of my car outside of a bar, the bartender woke me up to tell me turn my car off so I wouldn’t get a ticket
- woke up in my car outside a wine event I had attended
- drank an entire bottle of wine to get through writing a paper for grad school
- got smashed at almost every wedding I have ever been to, even fell asleep on a bathroom floor at one, super classy
- ran into a neighbor and introduced myself, turned out I had already met her, I was too drunk to remember
- walked home from a neighbors house without my shoes on, woke up in bed and couldn’t remember coming home
- countless mornings waking up with eyes puffy and swollen from crying the night before (and never remembering what I had cried about)
- went to a neighborhood bbq, I drank enough for myself and everyone there, now I can barely get up the nerve to say hi when passing by
- Oh, and one last one, ruining thanksgiving dinner because I was in complete psychotic blackout mode and lashed out at people for no reason
Those aren’t all my worst moments, because I can’t remember most of them, but those are at least a few good reminders as to why I must get my life together. I want sobriety more than anything else. On to day 10!
One week down! Feels like it is not even something I can be excited about, but I am. It is definitely not something I want to share with other people yet, I mean, who takes you seriously when you say you haven’t had a drink….for 7 days. Not my friends, they would shove a drink in my face immediately.
The more I overthink not drinking, the more I seem to think about it, that, or it just shows up in my face. For example, went to the spa the other day, got a manicure at a fancy place. They must have offered me drinks three or four times, it was a special or something. First it was a mimosa, then some mocha drink with peppermint liquor, really spa place, REALLY! I came here to get away from my problems! If only they knew haha…I declined easily, it wasn’t worth it for one or two anyways (is how I thought it out, ew).
Started thinking about fun things to do without any drinks involved, my list has not turned out as expected, instead it turned out to be a list of things I did while drinking, which seems to be almost everything:
Cooking….while drinking wine
Going out to dinner…having fancy drinks
Going to the city to shop….stopping at bars in between
Laying on the beach….drink in hand
Movie nights….what happened at the end?
Board games….with beer
The zoo…yep, they serve beer too
Bowling…pitchers of beer
Pedicures/Manicures/Spa stuff….with champagne
Plays, comedy shows, concerts…booze booze and more booze
So….now that leaves me here, wanting to do all those same things, only minus the drinks. The weird thing is, I know that all of those things are just as fun without the buzz, so why did I always have to have it? I think because it is just what everyone else was doing, I also felt the need to join in, only, I am the only one who seemed out of control with it.
Well, step by step, day by day.. (yah you know you are singing it in your head), I plan to do every one of those things on the list completely and totally sober, and I am determined it will be just as fun! At least I hope so…..
I don’t know why it makes me feel better to know celebrities battle addictions as well, I mean duh, they’re human, but it does. Makes me feel human too, like hey, yah I have a problem, and so what, so do all these other “real” people. I also like Kristen Davis and what she said about just having even one drink…she said “why risk it?”. That’s what I’m trying to tell people. At this point in my life, there is really no point of risking it, why risk an even deeper addiction?
One thing I realized over the weekend, I am WAY more insecure than I ever thought or even knew I was. I definitely covered this up well by just having lots and lots to drink while going out and pretending like I was the “life” of the party- pffff that was no life. (Adding insecurity to the list of my many faults to work on. But then again, if I really did start such a list, it would stress the hell out of me). Someone took a picture of me, it was so unflattering, and then they put that photo online, I wanted to die. And I couldn’t get it out of my mind, that picture….of me…looking gross….floating around online….and everyone I know was looking at it. I went over and over and over it in my mind, about how people were sitting around judging and critiquing me, I was certain of it. I mean, wow, get a GRIP!
I am over it now, I worked through it. Finally I realized that if people really were sitting around judging the way I looked in a picture online, then those people need a life, and I should be flattered they would care so much to spend so much time thinking about me, lol. And what exactly do I think they thought of me when I was stumbling around slurring my words babbling nonsense and completely drunk out of my mind?
In any case, I felt so good today. I feel energetic, motivated, and ready to take on the next day. Not much more to say other than that. I hope this lasts!
Binge Drinking May Cause Brain Damage:
This is scary- “a few heavy drinking sessions might leave the brain unable to handle subtle situations and learn from previous mistakes”.
I also never get over reading the definition of a binge drinker- drinking four or five consecutive alcoholic drinks. That was EVERY TIME I drank. And four or five was usually just the beginning of a night out. Feeling very sorry for my brain at the moment.
I ended up going out last night, as much as I wanted not to, there was no way out. It wasn’t as horrible as I thought. And I actually started out the night differently then I used to for a first time. My boy and I are always first to the party, but this time I decided we should take our time. We showed up later than usual, he had a few drinks, then we went out to a bar. Actually the bar was easier to handle then being at our friends house. At their house I felt I was being constantly questioned and judged, they noticed right away that I didn’t immediately go pour a drink, I just gave the stomach ache answer and said I would maybe have some drinks at the bar later on. Lies. But I’m not going there yet, especially not when everyone is drinking.
We got to the bar and I immediately ordered an energy drink, in a tall glass, this way no one asks me what I’m drinking or if I need something to drink. I actually managed to have some fun conversations, I can have fun with no alcohol, shocker number one. Shocker number two, my other friends wanted to go home before I did. They were tired, and I don’t blame them, after the number of drinks they had before even going out, I would have been passed out in the corner. Yep, that was me, the girl who fell asleep in public on occasion.
Before going out I had a small chat with my boy, it didn’t get very deep, but he still gave the typical lines including:
“why cant you just have a few” (i WISH)
“you have tried this sober thing before” (yah, don’t rub it in)
“hopefully someday you can control yourself” (ummmm that’s what I’m trying to say, I CAN’T!)
“well i guess id rather you never drink again then act like you acted the other night” (agreed)
Lovely, I really feel no support here whatsoever. Oh well. I knew I was going into this on my own. So on to day four, all alone, but feeling pretty damn good so far.
Tomorrow is only Day Two. And I forgot I had plans to go out with friends. Now what.
I reaaaalllllyyyy don’t want to give them the whole “I quick drinking” speech this soon. I know I know I know, like two seconds ago I posted that I wasn’t going to lie anymore, but if I say something this soon, then I will feel peer pressure to just start another day. And that is ridiculous. I didnt decide on today being day one, it was decided for me. So today is DAY ONE, there will be no other day ones to come. I’d love to just go out for a little while and then take off, only I am driving really far to see them and I will have to stay the night, so that is even more pressure, great. Any ideas? How to I go about this? Tell them straight up and then go out for a sober night of watching them all drink? My boy will be watching me like a hawk anyways so that I don’t go into another drunken blackout rage, I don’t blame him, I don’t even trust myself yet, let alone think he would.
Why can’t I have any friends who don’t drink, or at least any who would even remotely understand my issues. No one understands! They just think I’m a nut, and I am, but I don’t want to be a drunk nut anymore, I just want to be a plain old sober nut.
Maybe I’ll play sick….just this once.