Day 20 (Whoa!)

This is a good day. It has been 20 sober, clear headed, blessed days. I am so grateful that I have come this far. I have turned down alcohol at least 100 times in the past 20 days, I mean, that’s just crazy first of all, that I have even been offered a drink that many times, but I swear, it was more than that. I have dealt with the criticisms, the eye rolling, the “oh shes on a health kick”, and the not understanding people. I feel like I can go on strong from here. With Christmas and New Years ahead there are sure to be some hard moments ahead of me, but I’m looking forward to sober holidays- I cant remember the last time I didn’t drink myself stupid during this time of the year. I am looking forward to so many things, without the overwhelming burden of thinking “will I drink too much”, “will I embarrass myself”, “will I blackout and not remember what I said”….those worries are gone. Now I can have conversations and not repeat myself over and over, and I can remember what people told me and what I told them. I can laugh when things are really funny, not just drunk funny, and I can smile and enjoy myself all the same without a drink in my hand.

Tonight my boy asked if I would have a drink or two over the weekend, I said matter of fact, no I will not. His concern- that someday I’ll start drinking again and my tolerance will be so low that I will get shit faced too fast. Lovely.
This is what he thinks of me. Ugh.

So- I said not to judge me, to let me do my thing, whatever that may be. If I choose to never drink again- well, he thinks that is great- but I know a huge part of him doesn’t believe it will happen. Makes me sad. I have stuck with and accomplished so many things in life, I would hope this would be another accomplishment of mine. I guess I will continue doing what I am doing, and hope someday he sees I mean it. I don’t ever want him to think he can’t do what he does and enjoy his whiskey, or wine, or whatever, because he can do that in moderation, I know I can’t. It is hard for people on the other side to understand. There’s no off switch with me! But take me as I am- faults and all. No one is perfect, if this is my crutch, so be it.

Well- here we go, on to Day 21- and then 22, 23, 24 etc…………. ūüôā

Eggs

 

 

 

Obstacles

So many upcoming obstacles, I don’t even know where to begin. As much as I wanted to shout it from the rooftops about living a sober life, I haven’t really been doing so. Every time someone brings up going out for a drink, or stopping at a bar, or going for a wine tasting, or going out for a birthday….I just keep hush, say nothing, and hope the subject quickly changes. I thought I was ready to just blurt it out, but I’m clearly not. I’m probably most fearful of not being taken seriously. That seems to always be the issue, people will just be like “ohhhh not drinking this month- cute”. Um yah- or ever again. But what do I say? Ughhh….a pregnancy would come in handy right about now. Yah- terrible thing to say, but honestly, I’m desperate.

I read a comment on someone’s blog (not sure where- mind blank) that said something to the point of “whats the big deal, just tell people you dont drink”. I WISH it were so easy! The people around me, not bad people, just party people, would not understand such an idea. And they would most likely be pushy and just say “have one!”….ugh I hate that. So that is why I have taken such a liking to this community! I need the support of people who understand for right now. The support of those close to me will come in time. But for right now, they sort of remain in the dark.

One main obstacle coming up……my bachelorette party. I have been avoiding the topic, and trying to get out of it, it is not looking good though. My friends are very persistent. What in the world does a sober girl do for such an event? And how do I convince my friends planning it to not shove shots and wine bottles in my face? Why is the truth so painful? I just don’t have the courage to tell them all it yet! If anyone has answers….I’m all ears. I’m all for having a male stripper make a fool of himself for me, and it might be even more fun if I actually remember it!

 

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Reminders

I don’t think it hurts to have a little reminder time and again of why I began to work towards a sober life (well it kind of hurts, it hurts to think about them). So here are a few reminders for myself of some pretty horrible moments¬†in my drunken embarrassment of a¬†life:

  • woke up in college in someone else’s room, had no idea how I got there or what I had done, happened on more than one occasion
  • woke up in the back seat of my car outside of a bar, the bartender woke me up to tell me turn my car off so I wouldn’t get a ticket
  • woke up in my car outside¬†a wine event I had attended
  • drank an entire bottle of wine to get through writing a paper for grad school
  • got smashed at almost every wedding I have ever been to, even fell asleep on a bathroom floor at one, super classy
  • ran into a neighbor and introduced myself, turned out I had already met her, I was too drunk to remember
  • walked home from a neighbors house without my shoes on, woke up in bed and couldn’t remember coming home
  • countless mornings waking up with eyes puffy and swollen from crying the night before (and never remembering what I had cried about)
  • went to a neighborhood bbq, I drank enough for myself and everyone there, now I can barely get up the nerve to say hi when passing by
  • Oh, and one last one, ruining thanksgiving dinner because I was in complete psychotic blackout mode and lashed out at people for no reason

Those aren’t all my worst moments, because I can’t remember most of them, but those are at least a¬†few good reminders as to why I must get my life together. I want sobriety more than anything else. On to day 10!

Eggs

Booze is everywhere

One week down! Feels like it is not even something I can be excited about, but I am. It is definitely not something I want to share with other people yet, I mean, who takes you seriously when you say you haven’t had a drink….for 7 days. Not my friends, they would shove a drink in my face immediately.

The more I overthink not drinking, the more I seem to think about it, that, or it just shows up in my face. For example, went to the spa the other day, got a manicure at a fancy place. They must have offered me drinks three or four times, it was a special or something. First it was a mimosa, then some mocha drink with peppermint liquor, really spa place, REALLY! I came here to get away from my problems! If only they knew haha…I declined easily, it wasn’t worth it for one or two anyways (is how I thought it out, ew).

Started thinking about fun things to do without any drinks involved, my list has not turned out as expected, instead it turned out to be a list of things I did while drinking, which seems to be almost everything:

Cooking….while drinking wine
Going out to dinner…having fancy drinks
Going to the city to shop….stopping at bars in between
Laying on the beach….drink in hand
Movie nights….what happened at the end?
Board games….with beer
The zoo…yep, they serve beer too
Bowling…pitchers of beer
Sledding…drunk sledding
Pedicures/Manicures/Spa stuff….with champagne
Plays, comedy shows, concerts…booze booze and more booze

So….now that leaves me here, wanting to do all those same things, only minus the drinks. The weird thing is, I know that all of those things are just as fun without the buzz, so why did I always have to have it? I think because it is just what everyone else was doing, I also felt the need to join in, only, I am the only one who seemed out of control with it.

Well, step by step, day by day.. (yah¬†you know you are singing it in your head), I¬†plan to¬†do every one of those things on the list completely and totally sober, and I am determined it will be just as fun! At least I hope so…..

Eggs

We’re all human

 

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http://www.cnn.com/2013/09/18/showbiz/celebrity-news-gossip/zac-efron-rehab-confessions/

I don’t know why it makes me feel better to know celebrities battle addictions as well, I mean duh, they’re human, but it does. Makes me feel human too, like hey, yah I have a problem, and so what, so do all these other “real” people. I also like Kristen Davis and what she said about just having even one drink…she said “why risk it?”. That’s what I’m trying to tell people. At this point in my life, there is really no point of risking it, why risk an even deeper addiction?

One thing I realized over the weekend, I am WAY more insecure than I ever thought or even knew I was. I definitely covered this up well by just having lots and lots to drink while going out and pretending like I was the “life” of the party- pffff that was no life. (Adding insecurity to the list of my many faults to work on. But then again, if I really did start such a list, it would stress the hell out of me). Someone took a picture of me, it was so unflattering, and then they put that photo online, I wanted to die. And I couldn’t get it out of my mind, that picture….of me…looking gross….floating around online….and everyone I know was looking at it. I went over and over and over it in my mind, about how people were sitting around judging and critiquing me, I was certain of it. I mean, wow, get a GRIP!

I am over it now, I worked through it. Finally I realized that if people really were sitting around judging the way I looked in a picture online, then those people need a life, and I should be flattered they would care so much to spend so much time thinking about me, lol. And what exactly do I think they thought of me when I was stumbling around slurring my words babbling nonsense and completely drunk out of my mind?

In any case, I felt so good today. I feel energetic, motivated, and ready to take on the next day. Not much more to say other than that. I hope this lasts!

Eggs

 

 

Another reason (not that I needed one)

Binge Drinking May Cause Brain Damage:

http://www.newsfix.ca/2013/12/01/binge-drinking-may-cause-irreversible-brain-damage-2/

This is scary- “a few heavy drinking sessions might leave the brain unable to handle subtle situations and learn from previous mistakes”.

I also never get over reading the definition of a binge drinker- drinking four or five consecutive alcoholic drinks. That was EVERY TIME I drank. And four or five was usually just the beginning of a night out. Feeling very sorry for my brain at the moment.

I made it through the night…sober

I ended up going out last night, as much as I wanted not to, there was no way out. It wasn’t as horrible as I thought. And I actually started out the night differently then I used to for a first time. My boy and I are always first to the party, but this time I decided we should take our time. We showed up later than usual, he had a few drinks, then we went out to a bar. Actually the bar was easier to handle then being at our friends house. At their house I felt I was being constantly questioned and judged, they noticed right away that I didn’t immediately go pour a drink, I just gave the stomach ache answer and said I would maybe have some drinks at the bar later on. Lies. But I’m not going there yet, especially not when everyone is drinking.

We got to the bar and I immediately ordered an energy drink, in a tall glass, this way no one asks me what I’m drinking or if I need something to drink. I actually managed to have some fun conversations, I can have fun with no alcohol, shocker number one. Shocker number two, my other friends wanted to go home before I did. They were tired, and I don’t blame them, after the number of drinks they had before even going out, I would have been passed out in the corner. Yep, that was me, the girl who fell asleep in public on occasion.

Before going out I had a small chat with my boy, it didn’t get very deep, but he still gave the typical lines including:

“why cant you just have a few” (i WISH)

“you have tried this sober thing before” (yah, don’t rub it in)

“hopefully someday you can control yourself” (ummmm that’s what I’m trying to say, I CAN’T!)

“well i guess id rather you never drink again then act like you acted the other night” (agreed)

Lovely, I really feel no support here whatsoever. Oh well. I knew I was going into this on my own. So on to day four, all alone, but feeling pretty damn good so far.

All my friends drink

Shit.

Tomorrow is only Day Two. And I forgot I had plans to go out with friends. Now what.
I reaaaalllllyyyy don’t want to give them the whole “I quick drinking” speech this soon. I know I know I know, like two seconds ago I posted that I wasn’t going to lie anymore, but if I say something this soon, then I will feel peer pressure to just start another day. And that is ridiculous. I didnt decide on today being day one, it was decided for me. So today is DAY ONE, there will be no other day ones to come. I’d love to just go out for a little while and then take off, only I am driving really far to see them and I will have to stay the night, so that is even more pressure, great. Any ideas? How to I go about this? Tell them straight up and then go out for a sober night of watching them all drink? My boy will be watching me like a hawk anyways so that I don’t go into another drunken blackout rage, I don’t blame him, I don’t even trust myself yet, let alone think he would.

Why can’t I have any friends who don’t drink, or at least any who would even remotely understand my issues. No one understands! They just think I’m a nut, and I am, but I don’t want to be a drunk nut anymore, I just want to be a plain old sober nut.

Maybe I’ll play sick….just this once.

Day One

Well, I did it again.

Woke up today with that sick feeling that I did something horrible, and it turns out I did. I can’t even count how many times this has happened to me, I wake up out of a deep blackout, and just wait to find out if I did anything wrong. My boy will let me know, that’s for sure. My body aches, but not as much as I wish it did, I mean at least make me pay for it.

So I played the whole test the waters out game and it was a fail. So yep, I was bad. Apparently screaming, swearing, tripping over myself, falling drunk, bad. The embarrassment is too much for him to handle, I get it, imagine how I must feel. Called and made my apologies, will continue to make apologies to him, until it gets swept under the rug once again only to be brought up again the next time I do it. But this time is different. Why? How is this time different? I think its different because this time I understand better, I understand that I will never be normal, I will never be the one drink kind of person, never have been. I believe its genetic, the addictive personality, my mom doesn’t drink because of it, my brother does (and¬† A LOT). I think I finally have to come to terms with the fact that I cannot just have a few drinks, I cannot just hang out relax and enjoy myself, not while drinking. One leads to two, then to three, then to four, then to…..I don’t know, because I never can remember.

I cant call myself an alcoholic, I dont fit the criteria. I dont drink in the morning, I dont drink every day, or even every week. I dont crave it at all. Its only when I take that first sip, then I have a hard time stopping. And I do stop, sometimes. Sometimes I can have just two or three and have a great time, but its not very often. I wonder what happens on those days, I wonder why I am capable of being “normal” sometimes and other times, I’m completely out of control. I am exhausted by it though, I am exhausted by the fear of always going too far, getting too out of control, and once again failing. I’ve quit once before, for 60 days straight, after a different horrible night. But then what, then I decide I think I can handle having just one or two, and before I know it a couple months later I’m back to blackout mode once again. Well, this time I really am done. And I’m done not talking about it. I had an epiphany today, I need tell people about my struggles so they understand.

This time I am going to tell the truth (not make shit up about a health kick or a stomach ache). Why don’t I drink? Because I cannot control myself. That is so embarrassing and such a hard thing to admit, but I must, I am absolutely out of control when it comes to alcohol. There, said it. Now I just have to tell real life people that. Stop offering me one glass of wine, stop telling me to just have a couple, stop saying to just pace myself, it doesn’t work like that for everyone, although I so wish it did.

Today I spent the day at my mom’s, going over and over in my head what I did, how bad of a person I am for it, how awful it must be for my boy to have to put up with me, how bad I felt for him, how bad I felt for myself, how bad I felt for everyone that saw me in that state, ugh, just constant thoughts of disappointment embarrassment and failure. I am so over feeling that way. Time to enjoy my life every single day and time to stop creating problems for myself with alcohol. Bye bye booze, its day one, and I am so over you.

Eggs

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