This is a good day. It has been 20 sober, clear headed, blessed days. I am so grateful that I have come this far. I have turned down alcohol at least 100 times in the past 20 days, I mean, that’s just crazy first of all, that I have even been offered a drink that many times, but I swear, it was more than that. I have dealt with the criticisms, the eye rolling, the “oh shes on a health kick”, and the not understanding people. I feel like I can go on strong from here. With Christmas and New Years ahead there are sure to be some hard moments ahead of me, but I’m looking forward to sober holidays- I cant remember the last time I didn’t drink myself stupid during this time of the year. I am looking forward to so many things, without the overwhelming burden of thinking “will I drink too much”, “will I embarrass myself”, “will I blackout and not remember what I said”….those worries are gone. Now I can have conversations and not repeat myself over and over, and I can remember what people told me and what I told them. I can laugh when things are really funny, not just drunk funny, and I can smile and enjoy myself all the same without a drink in my hand.
Tonight my boy asked if I would have a drink or two over the weekend, I said matter of fact, no I will not. His concern- that someday I’ll start drinking again and my tolerance will be so low that I will get shit faced too fast. Lovely.
This is what he thinks of me. Ugh.
So- I said not to judge me, to let me do my thing, whatever that may be. If I choose to never drink again- well, he thinks that is great- but I know a huge part of him doesn’t believe it will happen. Makes me sad. I have stuck with and accomplished so many things in life, I would hope this would be another accomplishment of mine. I guess I will continue doing what I am doing, and hope someday he sees I mean it. I don’t ever want him to think he can’t do what he does and enjoy his whiskey, or wine, or whatever, because he can do that in moderation, I know I can’t. It is hard for people on the other side to understand. There’s no off switch with me! But take me as I am- faults and all. No one is perfect, if this is my crutch, so be it.
Well- here we go, on to Day 21- and then 22, 23, 24 etc…………. 🙂