Another reason (not that I needed one)

Binge Drinking May Cause Brain Damage:

This is scary- “a few heavy drinking sessions might leave the brain unable to handle subtle situations and learn from previous mistakes”.

I also never get over reading the definition of a binge drinker- drinking four or five consecutive alcoholic drinks. That was EVERY TIME I drank. And four or five was usually just the beginning of a night out. Feeling very sorry for my brain at the moment.

I made it through the night…sober

I ended up going out last night, as much as I wanted not to, there was no way out. It wasn’t as horrible as I thought. And I actually started out the night differently then I used to for a first time. My boy and I are always first to the party, but this time I decided we should take our time. We showed up later than usual, he had a few drinks, then we went out to a bar. Actually the bar was easier to handle then being at our friends house. At their house I felt I was being constantly questioned and judged, they noticed right away that I didn’t immediately go pour a drink, I just gave the stomach ache answer and said I would maybe have some drinks at the bar later on. Lies. But I’m not going there yet, especially not when everyone is drinking.

We got to the bar and I immediately ordered an energy drink, in a tall glass, this way no one asks me what I’m drinking or if I need something to drink. I actually managed to have some fun conversations, I can have fun with no alcohol, shocker number one. Shocker number two, my other friends wanted to go home before I did. They were tired, and I don’t blame them, after the number of drinks they had before even going out, I would have been passed out in the corner. Yep, that was me, the girl who fell asleep in public on occasion.

Before going out I had a small chat with my boy, it didn’t get very deep, but he still gave the typical lines including:

“why cant you just have a few” (i WISH)

“you have tried this sober thing before” (yah, don’t rub it in)

“hopefully someday you can control yourself” (ummmm that’s what I’m trying to say, I CAN’T!)

“well i guess id rather you never drink again then act like you acted the other night” (agreed)

Lovely, I really feel no support here whatsoever. Oh well. I knew I was going into this on my own. So on to day four, all alone, but feeling pretty damn good so far.

All my friends drink


Tomorrow is only Day Two. And I forgot I had plans to go out with friends. Now what.
I reaaaalllllyyyy don’t want to give them the whole “I quick drinking” speech this soon. I know I know I know, like two seconds ago I posted that I wasn’t going to lie anymore, but if I say something this soon, then I will feel peer pressure to just start another day. And that is ridiculous. I didnt decide on today being day one, it was decided for me. So today is DAY ONE, there will be no other day ones to come. I’d love to just go out for a little while and then take off, only I am driving really far to see them and I will have to stay the night, so that is even more pressure, great. Any ideas? How to I go about this? Tell them straight up and then go out for a sober night of watching them all drink? My boy will be watching me like a hawk anyways so that I don’t go into another drunken blackout rage, I don’t blame him, I don’t even trust myself yet, let alone think he would.

Why can’t I have any friends who don’t drink, or at least any who would even remotely understand my issues. No one understands! They just think I’m a nut, and I am, but I don’t want to be a drunk nut anymore, I just want to be a plain old sober nut.

Maybe I’ll play sick….just this once.

Day One

Well, I did it again.

Woke up today with that sick feeling that I did something horrible, and it turns out I did. I can’t even count how many times this has happened to me, I wake up out of a deep blackout, and just wait to find out if I did anything wrong. My boy will let me know, that’s for sure. My body aches, but not as much as I wish it did, I mean at least make me pay for it.

So I played the whole test the waters out game and it was a fail. So yep, I was bad. Apparently screaming, swearing, tripping over myself, falling drunk, bad. The embarrassment is too much for him to handle, I get it, imagine how I must feel. Called and made my apologies, will continue to make apologies to him, until it gets swept under the rug once again only to be brought up again the next time I do it. But this time is different. Why? How is this time different? I think its different because this time I understand better, I understand that I will never be normal, I will never be the one drink kind of person, never have been. I believe its genetic, the addictive personality, my mom doesn’t drink because of it, my brother does (and  A LOT). I think I finally have to come to terms with the fact that I cannot just have a few drinks, I cannot just hang out relax and enjoy myself, not while drinking. One leads to two, then to three, then to four, then to…..I don’t know, because I never can remember.

I cant call myself an alcoholic, I dont fit the criteria. I dont drink in the morning, I dont drink every day, or even every week. I dont crave it at all. Its only when I take that first sip, then I have a hard time stopping. And I do stop, sometimes. Sometimes I can have just two or three and have a great time, but its not very often. I wonder what happens on those days, I wonder why I am capable of being “normal” sometimes and other times, I’m completely out of control. I am exhausted by it though, I am exhausted by the fear of always going too far, getting too out of control, and once again failing. I’ve quit once before, for 60 days straight, after a different horrible night. But then what, then I decide I think I can handle having just one or two, and before I know it a couple months later I’m back to blackout mode once again. Well, this time I really am done. And I’m done not talking about it. I had an epiphany today, I need tell people about my struggles so they understand.

This time I am going to tell the truth (not make shit up about a health kick or a stomach ache). Why don’t I drink? Because I cannot control myself. That is so embarrassing and such a hard thing to admit, but I must, I am absolutely out of control when it comes to alcohol. There, said it. Now I just have to tell real life people that. Stop offering me one glass of wine, stop telling me to just have a couple, stop saying to just pace myself, it doesn’t work like that for everyone, although I so wish it did.

Today I spent the day at my mom’s, going over and over in my head what I did, how bad of a person I am for it, how awful it must be for my boy to have to put up with me, how bad I felt for him, how bad I felt for myself, how bad I felt for everyone that saw me in that state, ugh, just constant thoughts of disappointment embarrassment and failure. I am so over feeling that way. Time to enjoy my life every single day and time to stop creating problems for myself with alcohol. Bye bye booze, its day one, and I am so over you.