I Miss You

Hi Booze,

I miss you. I miss the way you made me feel all warm inside, comforted and happy. I miss the confidence I had with you, and part of me misses the crazy nights. Today as I was wrapping presents and watching football, I sort of wished I had some of you by my side. But we had a bad relationship, and it was time for you to go. So although I will probably always miss those feelings, I am working on finding something better. As the days tick by I find it easier and easier to let go, but there are always those moments where I feel like something is missing, and that something is you. Now I just need to work out how to fill in that feeling with something else, something better. So bye bye booze- see ya never.

Eggs

Day 20 (Whoa!)

This is a good day. It has been 20 sober, clear headed, blessed days. I am so grateful that I have come this far. I have turned down alcohol at least 100 times in the past 20 days, I mean, that’s just crazy first of all, that I have even been offered a drink that many times, but I swear, it was more than that. I have dealt with the criticisms, the eye rolling, the “oh shes on a health kick”, and the not understanding people. I feel like I can go on strong from here. With Christmas and New Years ahead there are sure to be some hard moments ahead of me, but I’m looking forward to sober holidays- I cant remember the last time I didn’t drink myself stupid during this time of the year. I am looking forward to so many things, without the overwhelming burden of thinking “will I drink too much”, “will I embarrass myself”, “will I blackout and not remember what I said”….those worries are gone. Now I can have conversations and not repeat myself over and over, and I can remember what people told me and what I told them. I can laugh when things are really funny, not just drunk funny, and I can smile and enjoy myself all the same without a drink in my hand.

Tonight my boy asked if I would have a drink or two over the weekend, I said matter of fact, no I will not. His concern- that someday I’ll start drinking again and my tolerance will be so low that I will get shit faced too fast. Lovely.
This is what he thinks of me. Ugh.

So- I said not to judge me, to let me do my thing, whatever that may be. If I choose to never drink again- well, he thinks that is great- but I know a huge part of him doesn’t believe it will happen. Makes me sad. I have stuck with and accomplished so many things in life, I would hope this would be another accomplishment of mine. I guess I will continue doing what I am doing, and hope someday he sees I mean it. I don’t ever want him to think he can’t do what he does and enjoy his whiskey, or wine, or whatever, because he can do that in moderation, I know I can’t. It is hard for people on the other side to understand. There’s no off switch with me! But take me as I am- faults and all. No one is perfect, if this is my crutch, so be it.

Well- here we go, on to Day 21- and then 22, 23, 24 etc…………. ūüôā

Eggs

 

 

 

Wasted Wasting Time

I have accomplished more these past 14 days than I have in probably months before that. I’ve painted, decorated, made home improvements, started to get in better shape, read books, prepared healthy meals, and so much more. It is hard to believe how much time I wasted just being wasted, and not only wasted, but completely useless for days after being wasted. I was in a major alcohol induced brain fog. Even if i didn’t drink every day, a weekend and day or two during the week was enough to ruin the rest of the days thereafter. I am so grateful that¬†I can see things more clearly, and think more clearly, and just feel brighter overall. I feel lighter, like something heavy was weighing me down for so long, and now its been released. My skin is clearer, my stomach is less puffy, and my thoughts are straight, things are looking up! All this on only day 14? Who would have thought!
Other things I’ve discovered, well- I’m funny, like really funny, and I don’t need the booze for it, and I’m witty, and smarter, and nicer! Yah nicer- all those hungover days meant I was more often than not a total bitch.
Sorry to toot my own horn so much, just needed to get it out there. Thanks for listening.
Eggs

Obstacles

So many upcoming obstacles, I don’t even know where to begin. As much as I wanted to shout it from the rooftops about living a sober life, I haven’t really been doing so. Every time someone brings up going out for a drink, or stopping at a bar, or going for a wine tasting, or going out for a birthday….I just keep hush, say nothing, and hope the subject quickly changes. I thought I was ready to just blurt it out, but I’m clearly not. I’m probably most fearful of not being taken seriously. That seems to always be the issue, people will just be like “ohhhh not drinking this month- cute”. Um yah- or ever again. But what do I say? Ughhh….a pregnancy would come in handy right about now. Yah- terrible thing to say, but honestly, I’m desperate.

I read a comment on someone’s blog (not sure where- mind blank) that said something to the point of “whats the big deal, just tell people you dont drink”. I WISH it were so easy! The people around me, not bad people, just party people, would not understand such an idea. And they would most likely be pushy and just say “have one!”….ugh I hate that. So that is why I have taken such a liking to this community! I need the support of people who understand for right now. The support of those close to me will come in time. But for right now, they sort of remain in the dark.

One main obstacle coming up……my bachelorette party. I have been avoiding the topic, and trying to get out of it, it is not looking good though. My friends are very persistent. What in the world does a sober girl do for such an event? And how do I convince my friends planning it to not shove shots and wine bottles in my face? Why is the truth so painful? I just don’t have the courage to tell them all it yet! If anyone has answers….I’m all ears. I’m all for having a male stripper make a fool of himself for me, and it might be even more fun if I actually remember it!

 

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Reminders

I don’t think it hurts to have a little reminder time and again of why I began to work towards a sober life (well it kind of hurts, it hurts to think about them). So here are a few reminders for myself of some pretty horrible moments¬†in my drunken embarrassment of a¬†life:

  • woke up in college in someone else’s room, had no idea how I got there or what I had done, happened on more than one occasion
  • woke up in the back seat of my car outside of a bar, the bartender woke me up to tell me turn my car off so I wouldn’t get a ticket
  • woke up in my car outside¬†a wine event I had attended
  • drank an entire bottle of wine to get through writing a paper for grad school
  • got smashed at almost every wedding I have ever been to, even fell asleep on a bathroom floor at one, super classy
  • ran into a neighbor and introduced myself, turned out I had already met her, I was too drunk to remember
  • walked home from a neighbors house without my shoes on, woke up in bed and couldn’t remember coming home
  • countless mornings waking up with eyes puffy and swollen from crying the night before (and never remembering what I had cried about)
  • went to a neighborhood bbq, I drank enough for myself and everyone there, now I can barely get up the nerve to say hi when passing by
  • Oh, and one last one, ruining thanksgiving dinner because I was in complete psychotic blackout mode and lashed out at people for no reason

Those aren’t all my worst moments, because I can’t remember most of them, but those are at least a¬†few good reminders as to why I must get my life together. I want sobriety more than anything else. On to day 10!

Eggs

Bad days happen

I had a pretty awful day. Everything that could go wrong pretty much did. So what did I think about all day? The big glass of wine waiting for me at the end of the day. I kept replaying¬†how it would go¬†in my head though, and that helped. I’d start with one glass, a huge one, and enjoy dinner with family. Then I would clean up dinner and fill up another glass. Before I would know it, the bottle would be empty, and I would be searching high and low for another. Then eventually I would pass out, all my problems would still be there- only¬†on pause for the next day, on top of which I would have added a few more problems.¬†I can avoid the booze, but once I get started, there is no stopping.

Through this visualization I was able to see the consequences clearly. So I changed my thoughts from “I can’t wait for that glass of wine” to “I can’t wait for a great dinner and conversation with family” who more so helped me get through things than that damn wine ever would have. So now I sit here enjoying a calm evening, with my cup of white mocha hot chocolate and my sweet puppy on my lap. It sure beats what could have and usually would have been!

So here is to another day sober- through challenges and all.

Eggs

Booze is everywhere

One week down! Feels like it is not even something I can be excited about, but I am. It is definitely not something I want to share with other people yet, I mean, who takes you seriously when you say you haven’t had a drink….for 7 days. Not my friends, they would shove a drink in my face immediately.

The more I overthink not drinking, the more I seem to think about it, that, or it just shows up in my face. For example, went to the spa the other day, got a manicure at a fancy place. They must have offered me drinks three or four times, it was a special or something. First it was a mimosa, then some mocha drink with peppermint liquor, really spa place, REALLY! I came here to get away from my problems! If only they knew haha…I declined easily, it wasn’t worth it for one or two anyways (is how I thought it out, ew).

Started thinking about fun things to do without any drinks involved, my list has not turned out as expected, instead it turned out to be a list of things I did while drinking, which seems to be almost everything:

Cooking….while drinking wine
Going out to dinner…having fancy drinks
Going to the city to shop….stopping at bars in between
Laying on the beach….drink in hand
Movie nights….what happened at the end?
Board games….with beer
The zoo…yep, they serve beer too
Bowling…pitchers of beer
Sledding…drunk sledding
Pedicures/Manicures/Spa stuff….with champagne
Plays, comedy shows, concerts…booze booze and more booze

So….now that leaves me here, wanting to do all those same things, only minus the drinks. The weird thing is, I know that all of those things are just as fun without the buzz, so why did I always have to have it? I think because it is just what everyone else was doing, I also felt the need to join in, only, I am the only one who seemed out of control with it.

Well, step by step, day by day.. (yah¬†you know you are singing it in your head), I¬†plan to¬†do every one of those things on the list completely and totally sober, and I am determined it will be just as fun! At least I hope so…..

Eggs

We’re all human

 

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http://www.cnn.com/2013/09/18/showbiz/celebrity-news-gossip/zac-efron-rehab-confessions/

I don’t know why it makes me feel better to know celebrities battle addictions as well, I mean duh, they’re human, but it does. Makes me feel human too, like hey, yah I have a problem, and so what, so do all these other “real” people. I also like Kristen Davis and what she said about just having even one drink…she said “why risk it?”. That’s what I’m trying to tell people. At this point in my life, there is really no point of risking it, why risk an even deeper addiction?

One thing I realized over the weekend, I am WAY more insecure than I ever thought or even knew I was. I definitely covered this up well by just having lots and lots to drink while going out and pretending like I was the “life” of the party- pffff that was no life. (Adding insecurity to the list of my many faults to work on. But then again, if I really did start such a list, it would stress the hell out of me). Someone took a picture of me, it was so unflattering, and then they put that photo online, I wanted to die. And I couldn’t get it out of my mind, that picture….of me…looking gross….floating around online….and everyone I know was looking at it. I went over and over and over it in my mind, about how people were sitting around judging and critiquing me, I was certain of it. I mean, wow, get a GRIP!

I am over it now, I worked through it. Finally I realized that if people really were sitting around judging the way I looked in a picture online, then those people need a life, and I should be flattered they would care so much to spend so much time thinking about me, lol. And what exactly do I think they thought of me when I was stumbling around slurring my words babbling nonsense and completely drunk out of my mind?

In any case, I felt so good today. I feel energetic, motivated, and ready to take on the next day. Not much more to say other than that. I hope this lasts!

Eggs

 

 

Another reason (not that I needed one)

Binge Drinking May Cause Brain Damage:

http://www.newsfix.ca/2013/12/01/binge-drinking-may-cause-irreversible-brain-damage-2/

This is scary- “a few heavy drinking sessions might leave the brain unable to handle subtle situations and learn from previous mistakes”.

I also never get over reading the definition of a binge drinker- drinking four or five consecutive alcoholic drinks. That was EVERY TIME I drank. And four or five was usually just the beginning of a night out. Feeling very sorry for my brain at the moment.