I Miss You

Hi Booze,

I miss you. I miss the way you made me feel all warm inside, comforted and happy. I miss the confidence I had with you, and part of me misses the crazy nights. Today as I was wrapping presents and watching football, I sort of wished I had some of you by my side. But we had a bad relationship, and it was time for you to go. So although I will probably always miss those feelings, I am working on finding something better. As the days tick by I find it easier and easier to let go, but there are always those moments where I feel like something is missing, and that something is you. Now I just need to work out how to fill in that feeling with something else, something better. So bye bye booze- see ya never.

Eggs

Day 20 (Whoa!)

This is a good day. It has been 20 sober, clear headed, blessed days. I am so grateful that I have come this far. I have turned down alcohol at least 100 times in the past 20 days, I mean, that’s just crazy first of all, that I have even been offered a drink that many times, but I swear, it was more than that. I have dealt with the criticisms, the eye rolling, the “oh shes on a health kick”, and the not understanding people. I feel like I can go on strong from here. With Christmas and New Years ahead there are sure to be some hard moments ahead of me, but I’m looking forward to sober holidays- I cant remember the last time I didn’t drink myself stupid during this time of the year. I am looking forward to so many things, without the overwhelming burden of thinking “will I drink too much”, “will I embarrass myself”, “will I blackout and not remember what I said”….those worries are gone. Now I can have conversations and not repeat myself over and over, and I can remember what people told me and what I told them. I can laugh when things are really funny, not just drunk funny, and I can smile and enjoy myself all the same without a drink in my hand.

Tonight my boy asked if I would have a drink or two over the weekend, I said matter of fact, no I will not. His concern- that someday I’ll start drinking again and my tolerance will be so low that I will get shit faced too fast. Lovely.
This is what he thinks of me. Ugh.

So- I said not to judge me, to let me do my thing, whatever that may be. If I choose to never drink again- well, he thinks that is great- but I know a huge part of him doesn’t believe it will happen. Makes me sad. I have stuck with and accomplished so many things in life, I would hope this would be another accomplishment of mine. I guess I will continue doing what I am doing, and hope someday he sees I mean it. I don’t ever want him to think he can’t do what he does and enjoy his whiskey, or wine, or whatever, because he can do that in moderation, I know I can’t. It is hard for people on the other side to understand. There’s no off switch with me! But take me as I am- faults and all. No one is perfect, if this is my crutch, so be it.

Well- here we go, on to Day 21- and then 22, 23, 24 etc…………. ūüôā

Eggs

 

 

 

Wasted Wasting Time

I have accomplished more these past 14 days than I have in probably months before that. I’ve painted, decorated, made home improvements, started to get in better shape, read books, prepared healthy meals, and so much more. It is hard to believe how much time I wasted just being wasted, and not only wasted, but completely useless for days after being wasted. I was in a major alcohol induced brain fog. Even if i didn’t drink every day, a weekend and day or two during the week was enough to ruin the rest of the days thereafter. I am so grateful that¬†I can see things more clearly, and think more clearly, and just feel brighter overall. I feel lighter, like something heavy was weighing me down for so long, and now its been released. My skin is clearer, my stomach is less puffy, and my thoughts are straight, things are looking up! All this on only day 14? Who would have thought!
Other things I’ve discovered, well- I’m funny, like really funny, and I don’t need the booze for it, and I’m witty, and smarter, and nicer! Yah nicer- all those hungover days meant I was more often than not a total bitch.
Sorry to toot my own horn so much, just needed to get it out there. Thanks for listening.
Eggs

Obstacles

So many upcoming obstacles, I don’t even know where to begin. As much as I wanted to shout it from the rooftops about living a sober life, I haven’t really been doing so. Every time someone brings up going out for a drink, or stopping at a bar, or going for a wine tasting, or going out for a birthday….I just keep hush, say nothing, and hope the subject quickly changes. I thought I was ready to just blurt it out, but I’m clearly not. I’m probably most fearful of not being taken seriously. That seems to always be the issue, people will just be like “ohhhh not drinking this month- cute”. Um yah- or ever again. But what do I say? Ughhh….a pregnancy would come in handy right about now. Yah- terrible thing to say, but honestly, I’m desperate.

I read a comment on someone’s blog (not sure where- mind blank) that said something to the point of “whats the big deal, just tell people you dont drink”. I WISH it were so easy! The people around me, not bad people, just party people, would not understand such an idea. And they would most likely be pushy and just say “have one!”….ugh I hate that. So that is why I have taken such a liking to this community! I need the support of people who understand for right now. The support of those close to me will come in time. But for right now, they sort of remain in the dark.

One main obstacle coming up……my bachelorette party. I have been avoiding the topic, and trying to get out of it, it is not looking good though. My friends are very persistent. What in the world does a sober girl do for such an event? And how do I convince my friends planning it to not shove shots and wine bottles in my face? Why is the truth so painful? I just don’t have the courage to tell them all it yet! If anyone has answers….I’m all ears. I’m all for having a male stripper make a fool of himself for me, and it might be even more fun if I actually remember it!

 

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Reminders

I don’t think it hurts to have a little reminder time and again of why I began to work towards a sober life (well it kind of hurts, it hurts to think about them). So here are a few reminders for myself of some pretty horrible moments¬†in my drunken embarrassment of a¬†life:

  • woke up in college in someone else’s room, had no idea how I got there or what I had done, happened on more than one occasion
  • woke up in the back seat of my car outside of a bar, the bartender woke me up to tell me turn my car off so I wouldn’t get a ticket
  • woke up in my car outside¬†a wine event I had attended
  • drank an entire bottle of wine to get through writing a paper for grad school
  • got smashed at almost every wedding I have ever been to, even fell asleep on a bathroom floor at one, super classy
  • ran into a neighbor and introduced myself, turned out I had already met her, I was too drunk to remember
  • walked home from a neighbors house without my shoes on, woke up in bed and couldn’t remember coming home
  • countless mornings waking up with eyes puffy and swollen from crying the night before (and never remembering what I had cried about)
  • went to a neighborhood bbq, I drank enough for myself and everyone there, now I can barely get up the nerve to say hi when passing by
  • Oh, and one last one, ruining thanksgiving dinner because I was in complete psychotic blackout mode and lashed out at people for no reason

Those aren’t all my worst moments, because I can’t remember most of them, but those are at least a¬†few good reminders as to why I must get my life together. I want sobriety more than anything else. On to day 10!

Eggs

Bad days happen

I had a pretty awful day. Everything that could go wrong pretty much did. So what did I think about all day? The big glass of wine waiting for me at the end of the day. I kept replaying¬†how it would go¬†in my head though, and that helped. I’d start with one glass, a huge one, and enjoy dinner with family. Then I would clean up dinner and fill up another glass. Before I would know it, the bottle would be empty, and I would be searching high and low for another. Then eventually I would pass out, all my problems would still be there- only¬†on pause for the next day, on top of which I would have added a few more problems.¬†I can avoid the booze, but once I get started, there is no stopping.

Through this visualization I was able to see the consequences clearly. So I changed my thoughts from “I can’t wait for that glass of wine” to “I can’t wait for a great dinner and conversation with family” who more so helped me get through things than that damn wine ever would have. So now I sit here enjoying a calm evening, with my cup of white mocha hot chocolate and my sweet puppy on my lap. It sure beats what could have and usually would have been!

So here is to another day sober- through challenges and all.

Eggs