Well, I did it again.
Woke up today with that sick feeling that I did something horrible, and it turns out I did. I can’t even count how many times this has happened to me, I wake up out of a deep blackout, and just wait to find out if I did anything wrong. My boy will let me know, that’s for sure. My body aches, but not as much as I wish it did, I mean at least make me pay for it.
So I played the whole test the waters out game and it was a fail. So yep, I was bad. Apparently screaming, swearing, tripping over myself, falling drunk, bad. The embarrassment is too much for him to handle, I get it, imagine how I must feel. Called and made my apologies, will continue to make apologies to him, until it gets swept under the rug once again only to be brought up again the next time I do it. But this time is different. Why? How is this time different? I think its different because this time I understand better, I understand that I will never be normal, I will never be the one drink kind of person, never have been. I believe its genetic, the addictive personality, my mom doesn’t drink because of it, my brother does (and A LOT). I think I finally have to come to terms with the fact that I cannot just have a few drinks, I cannot just hang out relax and enjoy myself, not while drinking. One leads to two, then to three, then to four, then to…..I don’t know, because I never can remember.
I cant call myself an alcoholic, I dont fit the criteria. I dont drink in the morning, I dont drink every day, or even every week. I dont crave it at all. Its only when I take that first sip, then I have a hard time stopping. And I do stop, sometimes. Sometimes I can have just two or three and have a great time, but its not very often. I wonder what happens on those days, I wonder why I am capable of being “normal” sometimes and other times, I’m completely out of control. I am exhausted by it though, I am exhausted by the fear of always going too far, getting too out of control, and once again failing. I’ve quit once before, for 60 days straight, after a different horrible night. But then what, then I decide I think I can handle having just one or two, and before I know it a couple months later I’m back to blackout mode once again. Well, this time I really am done. And I’m done not talking about it. I had an epiphany today, I need tell people about my struggles so they understand.
This time I am going to tell the truth (not make shit up about a health kick or a stomach ache). Why don’t I drink? Because I cannot control myself. That is so embarrassing and such a hard thing to admit, but I must, I am absolutely out of control when it comes to alcohol. There, said it. Now I just have to tell real life people that. Stop offering me one glass of wine, stop telling me to just have a couple, stop saying to just pace myself, it doesn’t work like that for everyone, although I so wish it did.
Today I spent the day at my mom’s, going over and over in my head what I did, how bad of a person I am for it, how awful it must be for my boy to have to put up with me, how bad I felt for him, how bad I felt for myself, how bad I felt for everyone that saw me in that state, ugh, just constant thoughts of disappointment embarrassment and failure. I am so over feeling that way. Time to enjoy my life every single day and time to stop creating problems for myself with alcohol. Bye bye booze, its day one, and I am so over you.